I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
