woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
