So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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