Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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