I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
