Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize