dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
