just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's official drugs can't kill me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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