i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
