I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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