he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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