i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
