That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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