I'm passing your future prison.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize