so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
