i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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