Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
