we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
