A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
