I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize