The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
