Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
