apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Randomize
