There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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