if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
