My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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