My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
