i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
