apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
