I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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