Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
