Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
