When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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