hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
no, he came in my armpit
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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