I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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