my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
