I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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