Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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