she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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