I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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