Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
