We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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