I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sext me about skeletons
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
