Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
