So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
