I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize