Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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