i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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