And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
