nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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