Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
