he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My pussy is not your playground.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
