Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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