So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
