I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
