Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
