please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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