i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
