i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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