I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
