How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
